Let me Hide

I often find the real world confusing. Maintaining relationships and normal people scare the twiddles out of me. So often, in my head I run away! Because I have this weird notion that I rather not be around people if I can possibly hurt them. Which I know I will, if I open my mouth. But of course, no one really GETS this behaviour.... so they keep giving me the idea that I can interact with these nice but sane people. It's not that I don't want to.... It's usually just that I don't want to hurt... or be hurt.
And I usually go...."I'm in a place I wanted to be… but yet am not left at peace!!"

I almost planned and plotted

To make things the way they are;

I unleashed this tide that's carried me -

And never fought the current so far.

I brushed away the branches

That sought to snatch me up;

And rolled past the rocks

That tried to make me stop.

And I purposefully shut my eyes

Till shores all melted away,

And glided onwards to a sea of oblivion;

This is where I want to stay!

And now when I am here,

In this impossible world of the lost;

Why are there these little eddies

That threaten to take me back???

Goodbye

Some relationships thrive, others die. And some of these deaths leave behind ghosts and echoes that recall the past to us. And just as I have these ghosts dogging my footsteps, I suppose I could be a ghost to another. If I am, This is what I'd like to say..... 
Esp. to a dear niece lost to life; on turning 18...


Goodbye old friend,
I hope you think of me no more.
And I hope that time will heal your pain,
And sooth what now feels sore.


Goodbye sweet times;
I will look back no more,
With either guilt or fondness.
For it seems your wounds
are all healed up,
And you have found your Bliss.

... And like a ghost
Set a-free
By a mind's moving on;
I shall pass
From your memory,
And melt into the dawn.

Fitting My Own Skin

I love being in my 30's. They feel right. More than most years have till now. They also feel like a good point to restart growing. :)

School years were lovely,
I read and learnt and grew.
Each week brought me something
Fascinating, unknown and new.

But school years were also lonely;
The stuff I loved, few friends did.
And often I was more at ease
Talking with a parent than with a kid!
...
...

I got to college and hoped to find
Passion, love, and maybe wisdom;
I did I did, I cannot lie!
I found them all, and then some!

I still felt like I stuck out a bit,
Though my friends were now more like me.
And while the world made sense - so much more,
There were days that were... lonely.
...
...

Early adulthood was a blast,
Though the stress was more than I cared for!
I found my calling and made my mistakes;
Those years left me both enriched and sore.

I was more at ease now,
With the world and with me.
But sometimes still, when I looked at my peers
I would feel all at sea!
...
...

Thirties now, they feel so good
I am at ease, I burn so bright!
I finally seem to fit my own mind;
And so today I feel SO right!

:)

The Cause of Idiotic Actions

This one might make just a tad more sense to those who have either read The Hobbit and LOTR, or have seen the movies. My fascination with Smeagol aka Gollum once made friends with my ability to create twisted metaphorical imagery. This, was the result. 
Non - Geek Psychologists: Gollum is this regressed, primal creature; very ID controlled. He has an alter ego (Smeagol)that is particularly Super-ego controlled; but that's a whole different story. 
Non-Geek, Non - Psychologists: Imagine a creature that is only concerned with satisfying it's immediate desires; unconcerned with consequences for self or others. 



Selfish little impulses
Like so many giggling gollums;
Creeping, biting,
Reminding, taunting -
Of promises broken,
Of feelings wounded,
Of words unheard,
Of hands let go....!

Living in the dark depths
Of my unconscious mind,
Surfacing, shreaking;
Leaving havoc behind.
In a split second's rising
They shatter notions.
They counteract choices,
And destroy decisions.

Before I can see them,
They're long gone;
Leaving me paddling
In a hell-like storm.
And as I try and make sense
Of the wreckage they cause,
I can but wish
For my world as it was!

In Celebration of Togetherness

To all those friends in relationships - established, blooming and yet to be; 
This is a wish for you; from me! 


May you be more than just happy,
May you find excitement; and also joy!
May each moment you reach for
Be beautiful beyond compare;
May your felicity never be coy!

May you feel both, blessed and content,
For ever more from now;
May all your dreams come true
Through adventures filled with love!

An Emotional Winter

Wrote this over two years ago.... found it today. Ironic much, that half of the imagery in these lines represents a desirable state in the blistering heat of Summer. Be assured, it makes more sense in the winter. :)
Winter days in depression.... 

The sunbeams pass me by;
The wind skips around me.
The rain leaves me dry,
But the fog always surrounds me!

The colors fade from flowers;
And bird song turns melancholy.
The trees cast menacing shadows;
Shadows that imprison me!

Laughter tires me out,
And tears exhaust me so!
Actions and words, both need strength;
A strength I do not know.

Sometimes - for a minute - the fogs part
And I think I shall be set free.
But just when escape seems within my grasp,
My prison re-forms around me.

.... And here I know I must add
Some words of faith, a whisper of hope;
That I should mention that shining beacon
that guides me back to joyful home........

But if truth be told there is naught
But a glimmering sporadic starlight;
That makes me want to keep on trying -
But never pierces the exhausting night.