baby steps

Depression is not just a disorder; it is the sum total (and more) of all the fears and insecurities one has ever had. Depression is what happens when you hold out on yourself for too long, or push yourself to unreachable goals and pin your happiness on them. When you strive for perfection instead of excellence. And once you are there, it's like being in a shell, a cage of your own making; one impossible to break. Recovery is a reality, but there's no 'bouncing back' from being depressed; it takes a thousand baby steps.


I opened a door today,
And let in a little light.
I stepped into my backyard,
And drank in the night.
I dared to look up today,
At the daunting moonbeams bright.
I faced the stars and the trees;
Though they laughed at my plight.

My dungeon dark called to me
And spoke of sightless oblivion.
Free-floating and senseless existence,
Where in a moment passes an eon.

But I stood my ground on coarse grass
And forced my senses to experience -
Sound and touch and sight and thought,
All so new, they almost pain.
But though the day I'm far from facing;
Today I befriend the night again. 

let me be it.

Wrote this a few years ago, i figure i don't mind if it's read now. :)

Let me be, the bad one.
The one who hurt you,
The one who ran out.
The one who crushed your soul.

Let me be, the mad one.
The one who left you all alone.
The one who never turned around,
Never ever had a doubt.

Let me be the horrid one.
The one who rejected each message of peace.
Who white flags burnt,
And whose words did hurt.

Let me be all that and more,
For then you may just let go.
For you may hurt less with every thought,
And seek happiness as you ought.
So you may never be torn again
Between friendship and love, laughter and pain.

I have seen your heart,
So I know, you won't let go.
You will bear the brunt of each thought and word;
Though they be a poison arrow.
And so I know it must be me
To let you go, to set you free.

I erred when I led you on;
I erred for I knew it could go wrong.
I erred in risking a friendship dear,
And so,
The responsibility is mine, I fear.

Will you let me lose a friend please;
Just promise me you will find peace.

Distance...

Sometimes even valued relationships are not able to cope with the changes in people's personalities and lives. And then, no matter how much one tries, that gap just keeps getting wider....

Often in recent times,

I have found a sad occurrence.

That I so long to speak to u,

Yet have nothing to say.

There is so much done,

And so much yet to do.

But nothing at all... to tell u!

Nothing to discuss,

Nothing to ask,

Nothing to describe;

Nothing at all.

The silence grows

Like a widening crevice;

Deepening the distance

Adding to the gaps.

Deafening, deadening

And out of control.