I'm Having A "Bad" Day

Recovery from depression is shitty! One starts to recover, and thinks that one has a grip on sanity and the ability to function. And then, randomly (OK, not that randomly), suddenly there will be a bad emotional dip where one is suddenly transported to the worst mental space one can be in. It's worse because one knows the feeling; the numbing pain as one that represents the worst days of Depression's Drama. This is about just another of THOSE days....


They ask me
What makes a bad day bad;
They wonder
Why I suddenly feel sad.
They question
What brought it on;
They debate
About what could be done.

They'll never know,
I'm glad to say....
How I felt
On waking today.

For,
For no reason
I was....
Falling, hurting,
Sinking, drowning,
Silenced, stifled,
Frozen, broken.

All at once,
And all the time!
T'was for nor reason,
Neither rhyme.

But though the darkness seems
To never end;
I live in hope..
Tomorrow's different.

Connected (?)

Being online, seeing the best of people's lives. And the human need to connect, to match up, to agree, and to belong.

Connected to millions; I feel Alone.

Green dots to talk to, and chat-rooms with peers;

A deafening silence rings in my ears.

Emoji's and stickers, three pins and a filter;

My heart's on my sleeve, and mind's off-kilter.

Sifting through announcements of achievements and promotions;

Posts of insights, and ideas, and emotions;

Thoughts of thankfulness, and celebrations of imperfections;

To mask a real pain, a web of pretend connections. 

Someone's eating out; another's at a movie;

They got a new house; and her new clothes are so pretty;

One's travelling the world; while another's world's a baby;

I just want to chip in; and so I flaunt my crazy!

A sunny day in the monsoon

Sometimes - just for a few moments  early in the morning - the pune monsoon actually looks and feels fantastic. Especially so with a cup of tea in my hand. :)
Disclaimer: I know this isn't particularly my style of verse. Just came, though. 

A light blue sky with wispy clouds
That slow time as they pass by;
It stands above trees -
Freshly washed and content;
Trees that house happy birds
Whose song carries through the diffused sunlight;
That is at once
Mellow and bright.
Just right,
To cause soft shadows
In which butterflies dart among flowering bushes.
The bushes and their flowers -
Like me, like the trees,
Revel in the calm clean air;
That smells still of yesterdays rain,
Along with today's sunshine.

Let me Hide

I often find the real world confusing. Maintaining relationships and normal people scare the twiddles out of me. So often, in my head I run away! Because I have this weird notion that I rather not be around people if I can possibly hurt them. Which I know I will, if I open my mouth. But of course, no one really GETS this behaviour.... so they keep giving me the idea that I can interact with these nice but sane people. It's not that I don't want to.... It's usually just that I don't want to hurt... or be hurt.
And I usually go...."I'm in a place I wanted to be… but yet am not left at peace!!"

I almost planned and plotted

To make things the way they are;

I unleashed this tide that's carried me -

And never fought the current so far.

I brushed away the branches

That sought to snatch me up;

And rolled past the rocks

That tried to make me stop.

And I purposefully shut my eyes

Till shores all melted away,

And glided onwards to a sea of oblivion;

This is where I want to stay!

And now when I am here,

In this impossible world of the lost;

Why are there these little eddies

That threaten to take me back???

Goodbye

Some relationships thrive, others die. And some of these deaths leave behind ghosts and echoes that recall the past to us. And just as I have these ghosts dogging my footsteps, I suppose I could be a ghost to another. If I am, This is what I'd like to say..... 
Esp. to a dear niece lost to life; on turning 18...


Goodbye old friend,
I hope you think of me no more.
And I hope that time will heal your pain,
And sooth what now feels sore.


Goodbye sweet times;
I will look back no more,
With either guilt or fondness.
For it seems your wounds
are all healed up,
And you have found your Bliss.

... And like a ghost
Set a-free
By a mind's moving on;
I shall pass
From your memory,
And melt into the dawn.

Fitting My Own Skin

I love being in my 30's. They feel right. More than most years have till now. They also feel like a good point to restart growing. :)

School years were lovely,
I read and learnt and grew.
Each week brought me something
Fascinating, unknown and new.

But school years were also lonely;
The stuff I loved, few friends did.
And often I was more at ease
Talking with a parent than with a kid!
...
...

I got to college and hoped to find
Passion, love, and maybe wisdom;
I did I did, I cannot lie!
I found them all, and then some!

I still felt like I stuck out a bit,
Though my friends were now more like me.
And while the world made sense - so much more,
There were days that were... lonely.
...
...

Early adulthood was a blast,
Though the stress was more than I cared for!
I found my calling and made my mistakes;
Those years left me both enriched and sore.

I was more at ease now,
With the world and with me.
But sometimes still, when I looked at my peers
I would feel all at sea!
...
...

Thirties now, they feel so good
I am at ease, I burn so bright!
I finally seem to fit my own mind;
And so today I feel SO right!

:)

The Cause of Idiotic Actions

This one might make just a tad more sense to those who have either read The Hobbit and LOTR, or have seen the movies. My fascination with Smeagol aka Gollum once made friends with my ability to create twisted metaphorical imagery. This, was the result. 
Non - Geek Psychologists: Gollum is this regressed, primal creature; very ID controlled. He has an alter ego (Smeagol)that is particularly Super-ego controlled; but that's a whole different story. 
Non-Geek, Non - Psychologists: Imagine a creature that is only concerned with satisfying it's immediate desires; unconcerned with consequences for self or others. 



Selfish little impulses
Like so many giggling gollums;
Creeping, biting,
Reminding, taunting -
Of promises broken,
Of feelings wounded,
Of words unheard,
Of hands let go....!

Living in the dark depths
Of my unconscious mind,
Surfacing, shreaking;
Leaving havoc behind.
In a split second's rising
They shatter notions.
They counteract choices,
And destroy decisions.

Before I can see them,
They're long gone;
Leaving me paddling
In a hell-like storm.
And as I try and make sense
Of the wreckage they cause,
I can but wish
For my world as it was!